The Missing Accountant
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?”
The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”
The Creative Accountant
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02″.
The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
The physicist declared, “It’s in the magnitude of 1×101.”
The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable.”
The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”
Cooking the Books
The clerk walks into the boss’s office and says, “The auditors have just left, sir.” “Have they finished checking the books?”, asks the boss. “Very thoroughly,” is the reply. “Well, what did they say”, says the boss. “They want 15% to keep quiet.”
Over Billing OR Being Over Worked
An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that’s not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions.
“What sort of accountant were you?”
“Oh, I was a CPA”, was the reply.
“Name?” asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file.
“Oh yes, we’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted time span.”
The accountant says, “I don’t get it. How can that be? I’m only 48 years old.”
Pete looks again at the file and says, “Well, that’s impossible.”
“Why do you say that?” asks the accountant.
“Well,” says St. Peter, “we’ve been looking over your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!”
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai’s. The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. ” I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here.” The accountant said, “I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds.” The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, “How do you start a flood?”
An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.
Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.
An accountant was walking on the countryside when he found a shepherd who had a lot of sheeps. The accountant said to the farmer: “Listen farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have.
The farmer started laughing “Oh, dear! I have a lot of sheep. You will not be able to guess how many there are.
“Lets bet something: if I guess how many sheeps you have, you will give me one of your sheeps. If I don’t, I will pay you $100.
“Ok, how many there are?”
“There are exactly 1354 sheeps.”
The shepherd was shocked: “Incredible! I really have 1354 sheeps. Well, a bet’s a bet. You win. Choose the sheep you want.
“Oh, I will take this one”, said the accountant and he took one.
“Wait for a moment, sir”, said the shepherd, “Let’s do another bet: if I guess what is your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don’t, you can take another one.”
“You are an accountant.”
“Oh, God! That’s true. But, how do you know it?”
“Give me back my dog, and then I will explain you.”
The Time Clock
There was an unscrupulous accountant that always overcharged his customers. He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks. It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours. He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours. He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife.
He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife. The latter was his most proud accomplishment. Therefore, it took him by surprise when his wife filed for divorce a year later. He stated “Dear why would you leave me? I have given you money, a fine house, campanionship and a great love life!”
She replied, “True, you have given me money and a fine house – although by ill gotten gains. Your companioship is shallow because you only think of yourself AND as to your skills in the bedroom, I just wanted you to know that I had a clock made just like the one you use at work!”
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