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More accountant jokes…
Accountants do not die, they get derecognized
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
“What kind of answer did you have in mind?”
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”.
“Where did you get this exact information?”
“I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
Definitions of Accountants
Definition of an Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!
Definition of an Auditor – One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.
Definition of an Attorney – One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.
Definition of an Actuary – An accountant without a sense of humor.
Definition of an Economist – Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll marry you, I’ll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!
Hot Air Balloon
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers that he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet above this field.”
“You must be an accountant,” says the balloonist.
“Yes I am” replies the man. “And how did you know that”
“Well” says the balloonist, “what you tell me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“Well, yes I am” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well”, says the accountant, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”
An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’ “Daddy says you’re a CPA.” “That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?” “Well, he says you’re a Complete Pain in the Arse.”
Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an engineer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the accountants don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed engineer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an accountant.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, “G’day sir, can you tell me where I am?”
“Yes, of course”, says the motorist. “You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the back field on John Dawson’s farm, 13.5 miles from Knoxville. John will be plowing and sowing corn in the back field next week. There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack you.”
At the moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, “I see you’re an accountant”.
“Good Grief”, says the driver, “you’re right. How did you know that?”
“I employ accountants”, says the balloonist. “The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, ‘You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other employees.’ The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, ‘You’re all workin very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?’
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, ‘Which of you idiots ate the janitor?’
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, ‘You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Accountants, Lawyers, Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!’
New Retirement Plan
A man goes to see his accountant and asks him for advice about his retirement plan. The accountant tells him, “If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.”
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.” The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.” The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint. “Give me all your money”, he says. The muggee is indignant. “You can’t do this,” he yells. “I’m an IRS agent. “In that case,” says the mugger, “give me all MY money.”
It’s Halloween and when the man answers his door, there’s a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says “Trick or treat”. The man’s a bit confused so he asks the boy what he’s dressed up as. “I’m an IRS agent”, says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist’s couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. “Nonsense”, says his doctor. “Everyone in the world doesn’t hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”
A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing: “He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you’re an accountant.”
Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child, “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”
Al Gore was in a dilemma. His Global Warming theories were falling apart and his data did not support his thesis. He was constantly embarrassed on stage when his charts and slides depicted the exact opposite scenario of his thesis. As a last ditch effort, he sought out advice from an experienced accountant who regularly had to present difficult financial topics to large audiences. Gore asked the Accountant, “How can I possibly be right all the time when my charts show that I am wrong? Without batting an eye the Accountant looked at Gore and said 1 word. “Acrylic.” Gore parroted him back – “Acrylic?” The Accountant said, “Absolutely, paint all of your charts on pieces of acrylic. Do not show an X or Y axis but outline the chart in the figure of a square.” Gore said, “I don’t see how that’s going to help!” To which the Accountant replied, “Turn the acrylic sheet over and rotate it 90 degrees. One chart fits all!”
A college student just graduated and was looking for a job. He goes down to the local CPA firm and asks about the profession. He talks to a Senior Accountant who describes what life is like as a CPA. The College student asks about pay and the Senior says, “it’s not too bad.” But if you’re really serious about being an accountant, there are 2 things that you should know. “First, you need to wear a suit everyday and most importantly you must develop a bad sense of humor.” The college student thinks to himself that’s not so bad, however, the student is more worried about the workload. He asked the Senior Accountant about the workload, to which the Senior promptly responds, it’s not too much but after a while it gets a little taxing.
A CPA routinely charged his dentist (Jones) too much on the monthly processing of his financial statements. When the dentist found out how he had been over billed, he was very angry. However, he didn’t want to confront the CPA directly. Now the CPA also used Dr. Jones for his personal dental care. Prior to switching to Jones, the CPA never had any problems with his teeth. Over the last couple of years however, the CPA was bothered by the increase in dental work on his teeth. He had 5 cavities and 3 root canals. On his last visit the CPA said, “Doc, I am disappointed by the increased dental work. Any suggestions on how I should brush differently?” Dr. Jones replied without batting an eye, “No suggestions whatsoever. The care of your teeth is far better than most people.” Dismayed the CPA said, “Then how can I reduce the amount of work that you do on my teeth?” To that Doc said, “Oh that’s easy, stop overcharging me and your teeth will get better by your next checkup!”
An Accountant, an Engineer and an Attorney met over lunch at the local cafe. When the waitress left the food bill on the table, the Engineer was the first to grab it. He stated, “Let me review this and I will make sure that each of us pays their correct amount.” The Accountant snatched the bill from the Engineer and said, “Wait a minute, I can maximize the dedution so that Uncle Sam subsidizes this entertaining meal.” Finally the Attorney, grabbed the bill and laughed, “Rookies – You’re both full of it. Just pretend that you are choking and I will show how to pay for your summer home at the lake!”
The company accountant walked into the CEO’s office and offered him the following suggestion: “We could improve productivity if we reduced the amount of time that everyone spent on washroom breaks. Therefore, once someone opens the washroom door the lights will automatically go out within 120 seconds.” The CEO countered “What if the person is not finished?” Without flinching the accountant replied – “We’ll treat them the same way that we treat lunch breaks. If they are not finished at the end of lunch, they can bring it back to their desk and finish it there!”
A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer’s field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or to where. Seeing a man walking down the street, he cries out: “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?” Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer by says: “You are in a downed balloon in a farmer’s field.” “You must be an accountant, sir,” replied the balloon’s unhappy resident. “How could you possible know that?” asked the passer-by. “Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, ” answered the balloonist.
The accountant says “You must be a manager.” The balloonist says “How would you know that?” The accountant replies, “Because you don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going, and you are exactly where you were 10 minutes ago but somehow it’s now my fault!”
A doctor a Minister, a Lawyer, and an Accountant are friends. The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can’t stand the thought of being without it so at his funeral would they each place the money in the coffin. They all agree. At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The Doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places his small envelope in the coffin. After the funeral the Doctor and Minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, ” But my lawyer has always taken a personal check!”
An accountant was attending a tax seminar in Las Vegas. The lawyer sitting next to him was obviously bored with the presenter, and suggested the two of them slip out to the lobby for a cigar. The accountant replied, “well, thank you for the invite, but I tried smoking cigars once, and I didn’t like them… I’ll have to pass”.
A few minutes passed, and the lawyer asked, “this is a very tiresome presentation… how about we slip down to the bar and have a cocktail?” to which the accountant replied, “Oh, I tried drinking once, but I didn’t like it very much.”
Finally, after about a half hour, the lawyer says, “listen, tonight after the seminar a couple of us are heading to the tables to do some gambling. Would you care to join us?” The accountant replied, “you know, I tried gambling once, but it just didn’t appeal to me… but I’ll tell you what. My son is flying in tonight, and he might want to tag along with you.” To which the lawyer said, “your son? let me guess…an only child?”
A surgeon, an accountant and a lawyer were arguing about which of them was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said “God created Eve from Adam’s rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession.” The Accountant protested, “Before God created Eve from Adam’s rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an accountant before He was a surgeon. Accounting, then, has to be the oldest profession.” The lawyer sat for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the accountant. “That may be true,” the lawyer said shrugging his shoulders, “but who created the chaos?”
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